Bright lights. White walls. Sounds of clanging medical instruments. A slow motion tornado whizzing around my head. It was loud but so very quiet. It was painful, yet there was peace. The affirming head pat of the anesthesiologist that was nearly identical to the one my Dad gives to his girls, the midwife holding my hand then taking breaks to go pray with Ryan. Little pieces of comfort and calm in the midst of uncertainty. The scene unfolding before my eyes was like a movie, except there was no FF button. I didn’t know the synopsis of this story, I didn’t know if the ending was good or bad. I just knew I wanted it to be over.
Eventually, I just felt tugging and pressure, a welcomed change. I knew this feeling from my previous C-section, I knew it meant the baby was just about out...but then it stopped. No sound. No cry. Just muffled voices, machines beeping, feet running. Lights stared their mocking faces overhead pushing me to believe the inevitable...that my fear this entire pregnancy just came true. I blinked, and blinked, and blinked, somehow hoping to blink away the horror. It didn’t work. I tuned into the muffled voices, what I heard fueled my racing heart. My world continued in slow motion, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. I was just there, it was like watching myself, not really connected.
In my mind, an eternity passed.
Then finally, my midwife came to my head and said: “they've got a heartbeat.”
My body came back together, I exhaled, I wept rivers of tears, my body shook so much I didn’t know if they’d be able to finish operating.
My baby was alive!
They did finally let Ryan in and his account would be more informative at another time. After finding out Ronan was alive my body just gave up, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I was exhausted and mentally drained. The shadow of a memory I have seeing Ronan for the first time could easily just be from Ryan telling me about it. I really don’t remember much more. What I do know is that finding a heartbeat wasn’t the end, it was only the first step. He was blue, lifeless, and unable to breathe. But he was alive, it was the first of many miracles we were about to live through.